Category Archives: Birth parents

“Đây Là Những Gia Đình Của Em” (These Are My Families), Part Three

The next day, we went to see some things in McKenna’s town.  We went to the Ministry of Justice where her Giving and Receiving ceremony took place.  And I now know that the reason Thao (I am using a different name for McKenna’s birth mother to preserve her privacy) was not there not because she “went to visit a friend” which is what I was told by the adoption facilitators in Vietnam.  But that she was given too short a notice by them to be able to get back from the town she was working in to be there.

We went to a museum “of the people” which was really cool and Steve got interviewed by a new organization about what he liked there.

We stopped and bought McKenna’s little sister a birthday present and tried to find something for her little brother but nothing we found at the store we stopped at worked and so left without anything for him.  And we felt very badly about this.

The time was getting close for our second meeting and we needed to get back to the hotel and get cleaned up.  McKenna asked me all day about whether or not she was going to get to meet her brother and sister.  And I just did not know.  I wasn’t sure how this situation would be explained to them.

“You have a sister who has come from America.  She won’t be staying….”  I didn’t know how they would explain it.

I had been nervous all day with an underlying fear of one thing.  Meeting the grandparents.  What if Thao’s mother, who I met at the Ministry of Justice 12 years ago, was not the grandmother who came tonight?  Then that would mean that these lovely people were not really McKenna’s birth parents.  And we would be in a pretty emotionally icky situation.  One that we would all be doggy paddling in.

Luckily, when the knock on the door came that evening and in walked Thao’s mother, it was the lady I had met and I hugged her with a lot of relief.  She remembered me too and we had our picture taken together.

This meeting was when McKenna’s birthfather’s magnanimity and personality came through.  He first presented McKenna with a beautiful bracelet.  He had drawn on the box where he also put his name and the date.

He presented both Steve and Sheridan with embroidered scenes that are famous in Hanoi area.

We took lots of pictures of these presentations. 

He and Steve drank beer together at dinner.  His sense of humor showed through and we now know where McKenna gets hers!

Before we had dinner with them, we took a lot of pictures of all of us together.

We had a wonderful dinner with the whole family and, in retrospect, I so wish that I had known some Vietnamese then so I could spoken with McKenna’s grandmother.  She was the main connection we had to McKenna’s past and I wanted to tell her how much her rush to get to the Ministry of Justice that day 12 years ago meant to me.  I wanted to tell her how heartbroken I was taking her granddaughter away….seeing how heartbroken she was.

What we did not get to do was really spend any time alone with McKenna’s birthmother Thao.  The next day presented that opportunity for me for a few minutes but I blew it.

The last part of this series will be posted in a few days.

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“Đây Là Những Người Bố Em” (These Are My Fathers), Part Two

“Hey, Billy, my baby
Hey, kid, look at me.
It’s clear you’ve got your mother’s eyes
But who do they see?
The nurse just called me ‘father’.
Well, hell, I guess that’s what I am.
But what makes her think
I’m a family man?
Those fathers of fathers, fathers of mothers,
How can you know what it’s worth?
For all my aspiration, are you to be the indication
That I walked the face of this earth.” — Richard Maltby, Jr from Closer Than Ever (a musical revue in two acts)

McKenna and I spent about 30 minutes working on her hair.  She has very wavy, curly long hair.  And it had been awhile since she had gotten the underneath part brushed properly.  We were both nervous.  I could tell she was nervous because she kept asking me questions.  Mostly ones I couldn’t answer.

Why did my birth father come back and marry my birth mother?  What is his name?  I have a brother and sister?  What are their names?  What kind of store do they have?  The elephant in the room was of course if they stayed together, then why did they give me up?  She didn’t ask that question out loud, but it was there hanging around us as I worked through her tangled hair.

We decided on braids for her hair and a different outfit.  She fretted about everything.  Looking back at the photos we took, she seems like such a little kid compared to almost a year later.  She has turned into a young lady in such a short time.

And the things that must have been going through her head and heart as we waited for them to arrive………..

Then there was a knock on the hotel room door.  And suddenly the moment was there.

The door opened to two people who enveloped her the minute they saw her.  They hugged and held her away to look at her, their flesh and blood.  So long ago gone from them.  McKenna cried. They cried.  Steve and I were crying.  And we had no tissues.

They sat on the bed with McKenna between them holding her tight and we exchanged questions through Mr Long, our guide and sudden interpreter, for about an hour.  I had brought a photo album that chronicled many of McKenna’s important moments.  Her first step, first day of school, school programs.

The picture of her birth grandmother holding her.

Finally, the big question… that was very difficult to ask………and difficult for them to answer……

Why did you give up McKenna?

The reason was a circumstance from his family that was very compelling but was remedied too late for them to keep her.  But then he worked through it, came back and he married Thao.

He did most of the talking and answering of questions.  He turned out to be a very nice person, not who I envisioned.  He told us they would make no requests except that McKenna be able to meet her grandparents and of course we were more than willing to have her meet as many members of her birthfamily as possible.

We arranged for another meeting the next evening which was McKenna’s little sister’s birthday.  After they left, McKenna and I lay on the bed and took silly pictures of ourselves.  What had happened that evening was just too much to talk about.

We goofed around instead and went to sleep that night in anticipation of the next evening when she would get to see them again and get to meet her grandparents.  I don’t know how she could have slept very well.

And I wonder what they talked about the rest of the evening.

“Này, Billy, tôi bé
Này, cậu bé, nhìn vào tôi.
Rõ ràng bạn đã có đôi mắt của mẹ
Nhưng họ làm những người nhìn thấy?
Các y tá chỉ cần gọi cho tôi ‘cha’.
Vâng, địa ngục, tôi đoán đó là những gì tôi.
Nhưng những gì làm cho cô ấy nghĩ
Tôi là một người đàn ông trong gia đình?
Những người cha của cha, cha của bà mẹ,
Làm thế nào bạn có thể biết những gì nó có giá trị?
Đối với nguyện vọng của tôi tất cả, bạn sẽ được chỉ dẫn
Điều đó tôi bước đi trên mặt đất này.”

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“Đây Là Những Người Bố Em” (These Are My Fathers), Part One


“My children, I miss you.
How much, you can’t know.
I laughed with you, I cried with you.
Helped each of you grow.
I kissed you every bedtime.
Your laughter woke me every dawn.
Then one day I woke and you’d grown and gone.

And fathers of fathers, fathers of mothers,
Strange how kids measure your worth.
They’re here and then they scatter,
but in some way they make it matter
That I walked the face of this earth.” — Richard Maltby, Jr. from Closer Than Ever (a musical revue in two acts)

 I had just gotten off of a conference call with Rosetta Stone.  I had been speaking with one of my Rosetta Stone Studio Coaches, a native Vietnamese speaker and one of the nicest people ever, also a Rosetta Stone employee.  We had been trying to get on a conference call with my daughter’s birth parents in Vietnam to tell them Rosetta Stone wants to give them some language learning software.  But it wasn’t quite working so we had just hung up when our home phone rang.  It looked like a strange number.

I don’t usually pick up when the number isn’t one I recognize.  Sales people….

When I picked up, I heard “Allo?” and the sounds of the street from the other side of the world.  It was Vietnam calling!  And suddenly I had a real reason to say, “Chào anh.  Có khỏe không?”  And I must have been understood because the speaking on the other end of the phone was pretty fast and I couldn’t understand it then.  And I must say I was both intimidated and wishing I was through Vietnamese Level 3!  My daughter was sitting next to me and a phrase popped into my head from my Rosetta learning.  It was a phrase for my daughter to say,Đây là bốem”.  “This is my father.”

I quickly put her on the phone to say “Chào bố,” or “Hi father.”  She pronounced it pretty well!  It released a torrent a Vietnamese from him and she looked at me helplessly.

McKenna has two fathers.

One she lives with and one we knew nothing about until last summer.

When we left for Vietnam and China last summer, we knew we wouldn’t get to meet Sheridan’s birth family.  We had no names and no contacts.  But for years, I had wondered if we would ever meet McKenna’s birthmother.  When I read through the adoption papers, including the letter explaining why she had given McKenna up, there it was…..because the father would not marry her.

As a woman, I could not help but side with her.  All my thoughts and sympathies were with her.  My fantasies revolved around a beautiful reunion between birth mother, grandmother and daughter some day.  What kind of man, in that culture especially, would get a woman pregnant and then leave her?  And after that, I barely gave him another thought.

So there we were in Thai Nguyen getting ready for dinner at our TWO star hotel.  Mr. Long and our driver had gone out to look for McKenna’s grandmother.  When he returned, we sat in the 110 degree hotel lobby and he told me that McKenna’s birth mother had NOT moved away.  That she had a store right near the entrance to the community where she had grown up.

At least he was pretty sure she was the birth mother.  The name was right and he told me, she looked just like McKenna.  The same nose and the same wavy hair.  The same wavy hair.


She wanted to meet McKenna………….

I went numb.  It feels like you must feel when you get your biggest wish ever.  And then I got nervous.  What about her husband??  How would he feel about her having had a child from before.  I didn’t want to jeopardize her current situation in any way.  He must have seen that on my face.

Because Mr. Long said, “It will be okay.  McKenna’s birth father married her mother afterall.  They have two other children together.”

………….I temporarily lost my hearing…………..

“….want to come to the hotel tonight.”  I walked back to the restaurant where we had been eating.  McKenna had a brother and sister………

And a birth father.  He stayed.  Came back.  He didn’t abandon her.

I sat down at the table and looked at my husband.  He had no idea what was going on.  I took a deep breath and turned to McKenna and asked her if she wanted to meet her birth mother and father and she looked at me over the top of her glasses and slowly said yes and we went upstairs to get ready for the meeting of a lifetime.

Đây là bốem, đây là mẹ em.

“Các con tôi, tôi nhớ em.
Bao nhiêu, bạ
n không thể biết.
Tôi cườ
i với bạn, tôi đã khóc với bạn.
Giúp mỗ
i người phát triển.
Tôi hôn ngườ
i bạn mỗi khi đi ngủ.
ng cười của bạn đánh thức tôi mỗi bình minh.
Sau đó mộ
t ngày tôi tỉnh dậy và bạn sẽ trưởng thành và biến mất.

Và cha cha, cha của bà mẹ,
như thế nào đo lường giá trị của bạn trẻ.
đang ở đây và sau đó họ phân tán,
ng một cách nào đó họ làm cho nó có vấn đề
u đó tôi bước đi trên mặt đất này.

Part Two of this three part series will be posted on Rosetta Stone’s Blog site: in a week or so.

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